Dear Benton, Happy Birthday! I learned most of these 18 lessons the hard way and hope they make yours easier. I offer them out of love and in love and because of love. 

1. First Impressions Last

They just do. That initial encounter is sticky. Makes an imprint that lingers. What you seem like becomes who you are pretty quick. So. Whether you shake hands, give a hug, say what’s up, bump a fist or bow down for all I care, do something. Make eye contact. Smile. Screw your whole face on straight with twist of kind confidence. Dress appropriately. Iron the shirt. Appearance counts. Delivery matters. There can easily be a chasm between intent and impact. Make sure what you intend to present has the impact it was intended for. You have experienced that in Eswatini, Africa there is a one-word salutation: “Sawubona.” This word doesn’t just mean “Hello,” it translates: “I See You.” This is what you can choose to say in what you do when you meet, when you greet, when you have that first chance with a new friend, a special girl, a possible boss, a professor at the beginning of a semester. See them – and they will see you too.  

2. If It’s Broke, Fix It.

We live in a world where it has been normalized to just “buy a new one.” Click and ship! Hit the easy button! Throw it out and replace! Think nothing of the waste! Make Jeff Bezos even richer! 

One thing I love about your dad is that if it’s broke, he first tries to fix it himself. You have watched him do this – and seen the pure joy he gets from MacGyver-ing (look that term up) a solution. Train your brain to try and fix it first. Refer to YouTube when you need to, but be aware that A.I. can continue to rob us of opportunities to use strategic skills, to invent, to think, to discover, to use the creativity and innovation we were born with. Optimus Prime robots will be tucking us in at night before we know it, so make the effort to use your hands to do things while you still can. DIY has become a whole fancy social media trend, but make it your own lifelong philosophy.

Do you know your dad figured out how to build houses as he was building houses? Like, literally! One of his first projects was a very large home for a high-profile client. He called me to come over and watch the site excavation. I walked through the enormous equipment, mouth agape, stared down at the enormous hole in the ground and blurted out, “Greg! Do you actually know how to do this?” I didn’t see that the homeowners were standing right there. They looked over at me with absolute alarm. Your dad about threw me down in that hole and buried me alive.

The thing is, he didn’t exactly know how to do it. But he had confidence in himself that he could figure it out, that he could learn. And he did. So learn from him.

It takes grit, failure, research, support, some trying and trying again but practicing the art and science of “figuring it out” builds a backbone of self-confidence so that when something breaks you can rely on yourself to fix it first. 

3. Choose Wisely Who you Ask for Wisdom From.

Benton, you will need a whole lot of advice. Get used to that. It takes courage to ask for advice, to be vulnerable, to share your struggle. 

Life humbles you down to the studs. Humility, by the way, is a superpower. THE superpower in my opinion. It’s like salt which changes everything it touches inside and out.

You must choose wisely who you ask, who you call, who you seek for guidance – especially when it comes to navigating relationships.

Find yourself a truth-teller or two and call them first. These are the brave souls that tell you the truth when it’s hard to hear. They have an inner sense of knowing, a maturity in their disposition. They have earned respect because of the dignity with which they treat others, and their own selves. They listen without interrupting. They let you rant without judgment so you can just get every last bit of what you have got to say out loud, out. The honor the other parties in your situation and keep the absent safe. They ask you questions you haven’t thought of and often don’t want to answer in a safe, empathetic environment in which you feel understood. They will challenge you for the sake of growth and stay quiet long enough for you to say the thing you really don’t want to admit. They will not always agree with your plan no matter how much you need them to. They will not make you feel silly when something small seems big or for needing to role play an upcoming conversation when the stakes are high. They aren’t looking to be the hero in your story. They have a knack for pointing out the option you never thought of and identifying a path forward when you feel stuck. They will always call you up higher, toward integrity and encourage you to act, no matter what you choose, in and out of love. 

Those are hard folks to find, but they are out there. Catch them when you can and choose to be one of them yourself.

4. Money Matters. 

Money is both a necessary evil and a tool for good. It’s always enough and it’s never enough.

Most importantly, know what you make, what you have, where it is and where it’s going. Download an app. Look at your monthly statement. Actively manage your money. Do the math. Ignorance wastes your resources.

There are two sides to your personal Profit & Loss: income and expense. Financial problems are not always solved by making more money. Just because you make more, doesn’t necessarily mean you have more. Keep a disciplined eye on your expenses column. That’s often where things don’t quite add up.

Buy what you can afford, not what you can one day hopefully pay off. Purchase with intentionality not impulsivity. You don’t deserve to go on a vacation you can’t pay for because you worked so hard; it just makes you have to work even harder. Save up for things to resist instant gratification.Money doesn’t grow on trees. But it does grow in an IRA, it does grow in an investment account. Even a little money can make money.

And remember, when you do have some money, prosperity is a slippery sucker that can screw up your perspective and convince you a false sense of security. If the root of what you really start to love is money or because of money and what it promises to accomplish, greed and arrogance grow. “Rich” people tend to be fairly judgmental and think they are always right, but a million dollars doesn’t make you an expert at life.

The best antidote to the grip of greed is generosity. Loosen your fingers and give some of it away. Do some research and invest in an issue or cause that moves your heart and regularly support that mission. I hope your dad and I have taught you the reciprocal and priceless value of generosity and the theology of grace in sharing what we have, with others.

5. Do The Next Right Thing.

You know I need to read the end of a book first and “watch” the Olympics behind the closet door because I can’t bear to watch a live balance beam routine. I tend to need to know what happens before it happens. Bless your mother’s manic heart.

The anxiety of not knowing what will happen is scary. All the “what-if’s” can feel like “oh-no’s” instead of positive potential opportunities. This makes it difficult to make decisions in life.

Decisions can be so confusing and overwhelming that you can’t see straight enough to know where you need to go. Disassociation and denial are sooting for a while. But that only works so long.

So. Don’t make a decision too quickly because you just don’t want to deal with it anymore. Don’t let anxiety constipate the process; not deciding for fear of making the wrong decision is still making one. Don’t let over analysis turn into paralysis. Don’t cross the line from deliberation into procrastination.  

There is something you can DO when you are stuck: The Next Right Thing. With the right intention. Just one thing. One small step. In one direction. Check a tiny box. Look for an arrow. Pray. Tune in to the still, small voice that quietly says …. try this way. Make some small decisions to warm up that decision-making muscle. Call someone you trust for advice. (see Lesson #3)  

And Benton, it really will be ok. No. Matter. What. You can trust the process. You can rest your soul because you are ultimately not in control. You are safe in God’s hands and going with Him is more important than where you end up.

6. Perform Preventative Maintenance.

When I was in my early 20’s I worked as a receptionist for an electrical contracting company. I made great overtime pay on weekends joining their “preventative maintenance” team. Huge substations would hire us every 6 months to spend a 12 hour day checking to make sure every single bolt in the entire electrical plant was screwed on tight. Very occasionally I found a loose bolt or nut and I’d stare in shock like I had unwrapped the golden ticket. The companies made a huge financial investment in this process because the risk of explosion was far too high. 

Apply this theory of preventative maintenance to your health, to your possessions. Get regular dental cleanings because cavities and digging the canals of tooth roots will happen and they will suck. Bend over and let the doctor stick his fingers where they don’t belong because prostate cancer, sucks. Get the oil changed when the car says so (or change it yourself, see lesson #2). Regularly eating toxic chemicals and drinking excessive amounts of the poison called alcohol eventually – but it will seem like suddenly – does its’ damage. Wear sunscreen. Change your sheets. Take your vitamins. Floss. Clean the gutters. 

In the moment, when you are running around putting out all of life’s daily fires, preventative maintenance will not seem urgent or even necessary. But things can blow up. If you could have done something about it, you’ll wish you had.

To Be Continued ….. I love you, Mom.